K, what do people think of this non-supernatural related story?

Aside from some small grammar/punctuation errors, the only part I really didn't care for was the "would make ice shiver" part. I know it sounds silly, but there are times when you read something like that and it just seems off or comical. Sometimes a simple adverb will work better than a flowery phrase. Remember, concision and precision are a writer's best friends.