Need Advice and thoughts about a book im hoping to write one day.....?

I hear your voice developing but it is stressed by your pacing (the rhythm). Keep your personal feel of character/and her thoughts, in one sentence. So you have the story, then as an aside, her feeling or thought. Or, change your style and incorporate your voice style into the dialogue only- as character. It is ok for a first effort, but you must learn how to write better. Try reading it out loud into a recorder in order to hear the rhythm, the pace, and you will probably hear where you need to improve your style. It does not quite get choppy, but it stumbles. The grammer needs to be improved. EX: (at the bottom) "This time a man's voice but this did not make her relax, she knew that voice." If you look at the sentence, it is not a proper sentence at all. I realize writers can put in improper sentences, but this is not an example of that. Your style has gone from personal to romantic to objective story. Pick one and stick with it. Read it aloud and record it, or have someone else read it aloud. You will hear where you need to rewrite. Many new writers have a few voices in their work, just as learning to sing, you will have a few voices come out, all weaved together, just as each part of your personality does a version. That is normal, until you pick one. Write the story from each style and voice, and you may be surprised that the talented "voice/style" in your may not be your favorite. Only you can judge what is good for the listener. Remember that a writer writes for themself, but you hear it back like a listener. Once you have written it, it is no longer yours. It is the reader's now, the love, criticize and talk about.