Is this description OK? An excerpt from my book?

The description is really good, and I have a clear vision in my head of what this ship probably looked like, so congrats on that. Now on the negative side, I'm BEGGING you to stay away from trying to sound old english. Whilist? I know that this story is probably from the past, and it's okay to use whatever form of dialect you choose in the dialogue, but in the narrarating, you should try to stick to 21st century English- you're readers will appreciate it. Besides that, it's really good and you should definitely continue writing.